from 11-14-06’s paper journal:

“i am always so concerned about making sure my time is Truly Worthwhile. usually it keeps me happier than when i spend a lot of time aimlessly. and in my definition of Truly Worthwhile, there is time for relaxation and nourishing self-care. as long as i know it is for a bigger purpose. i think it’s good, but i don’t know. and i get confused & distraught when i feel like i am wasting time– or when i view others as wasting time.

but life is so short. the idea of wasting a morsel of it is utterly terrifying.

that is probably the problem. the giant fear. my desire for a worthwhile life comes from a love of life and that’s good. but the terror of a not worthwhile life is dangerous. it is where my self-injurious panics come from. like when i lose something– finding it is Wasting Time and at that moment, punishable only by death. Talk about wasted time.

if my fear of wasted time comes from a fear of mortality– death should not be the immediate punishment….

in discussions… at quaker study group, i had an insight about myself, which is how critical i am of people i’ve been in the past. it is so easy because we are past that stage in ourselves. but we are not past that stage in other people. that is what i need to remember. their growth is not about me & what has & hasn’t worked for me. i can share insights, but i should not judge. their peak could be my low & still be higher than my peak.”

and the next day:

“listen.
be aware.
look up.
remember to look up.

the best thing about the ‘now i walk in beauty’ thing is how it reminds me to look up. there are other best things, but that is the thing i’ve remembered least when not doing it. beauty is above me– in the sky in all its moods, in the trees, in the decorations of the buildings i pass.”

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