whoa!!!! that post that i thought i lost at the library? it has been saved as a draft this whole time. so it is here. it is about 3 weeks old:

back from florida & san diego. puck’s computer is still in san diego with them, so i am at the library. i didn’t write anything in my journal all trip, but i did bring it. i didn’t bring the one i’d recently filled though, which is where most of my posts have been coming from here. so today i thought it was very important to bring it with me to the peace vigil because i was coming to the library afterwards. so my water bottle stood next to me as it usually does, but this time, it was propped up on a little brown book with a picture of a sock glued to the cover.

… i had a really cozy morning, and was very quiet at the vigil… and things felt really good. and then i had a lovely panic attack about 5 minutes later… is that supposed to happen? *laughs* i know there is no real such thing as “supposed to” but it really felt unfair to be like, “peace is nice… oh no! world is going to eat me!!!!” i’m not sure who was being unfair, actually, but… i didn’t like it.

i’d like to say more about that, but i don’t know what. if anybody has any thoughts on spirituality and anxiety and why they can coexist in the same body, i’d like to hear them, thank you.

… from november 25th’s paper journal entry:

“why is it so important to me to ask the questions i’m asking– to ferret out the difference between acceptance & inclusion– to decide which is preferable, which is acceptable.

i am thinking of my friends as i go toward quakerism. how do i do this without alienating them? how do i explore these truths & find them true, without saying, or even implying, that their truth is wrong. (and if i think their truth is wrong, what then? how can i hold that conversation without being or appearing smug?)

jesus is just such a sensitive word. i feel like so many peiople have been clubbed over the head with jesus. how do i fix that? how do i fix that? do i fix that? can i fix that? should i fix that?

i want to flip ani around & say that this weapon is a tool– though jesus as tool is totally not all of it.

and now i’m all ‘how do i talk to other people about jesus?’ when the unanswered question is ‘how do i talk to myself about jesus?’ but ‘how am i’ & ‘how will i?’”

& 11-26

”things have been challenging. i am not equipped for this kind of life. i am too human & too dazzled by my humanity.

i have been practicing. practicing practicing practicing. where are my instant results? they were there, but now it is hard slugging, inward battles– & i question them, too. aren’t i always doing inward battles? this constant state of inner puzzlement — this constant unfolding — this constant reinvention– is it authentic? shouldn’t i have answers by now? will i ever have answers?

and why doesn’t my head ever shut up?

stop feeling ‘better than.’ and stop feeling ‘worse than.’ and start feeling equal.

…the god vs. self dichotomy is so puzzling. i want to bring my richest, best self before god, but i need to be careful not to descend into self-worship on the way. or forget it all & descend into self-loathing, which is equally my way.

my favorite people have always been those who seem to have their eyes uplifted. literally.”

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. 1.

    Welcome back, lost post!

    I’ve been listening a lot to “The Ninety and Nine” by Doc Watson, after opening my Bible in meeting recently to the story about the 99 righteous sheep and the 1 lost sheep. So, maybe your post has come back into the fold!

    I apologize if I am being tacky instead of humorous.

    Anyway, the balance between best self/non-self worship/non-self loating is a delicate one, isn’t it? You’ve put it particularly clearly…

    Oh, and I read your post about the day you skipped the things that refresh you because it was the only time you could just really take off, and wanted to comment, but I had too much to do… Seriously!

    My point is, I could relate. Like, today one of our major funders at my work decided to drop support by 25-50% (depending on how you count it), I had to stay until 6:15 to get something done, and miss dinner with the family, and now Robin’s out buying supplies for Quarterly meeting tomorrow. I should be doing dishes or writing deep reflections in my journal about being a good Quaker or else how to fundraise from other sources, but meanwhile, I’m glad to spend a little time reading blogs, including yours. If only I had more time to do this AND to sleep. Thanks for writing!

    – Chris M.

    Comment by Chris M. — January 19, 2007 @ 9:23 pm

  2. “peace is nice… oh no! world is going to eat me!!!!”

    Hmm, I wish I had read this post awhile back when I had a panic attack. What is it about religion that drives people CrAzY?!

    For me it is a balance of taking it all seriously without taking it too seriously.


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