i haven’t posted in a long time, because i have been in 12-kinds-of-angst land. crises of faith and crises of relationship and crisis of understanding my past and a just generally very full head. of the kind that comes out with bitter, tired, confused thoughts that don’t seem right for public consumption.

but this is my quaker journal, and by that i mean my space where i figure out faith… and so what better place to discuss my crisis of it. it’s scary, though. i’m afraid of being preached at, or hollowly assured with platitudes that don’t mean a lot to me in my current condition.

basically my head has gotten into an endless argument with god. and not really with, more like at. “god,” my head says, “god, so there’s us. and we’re flawed. and you want us to be better than we are. but you made us flawed. right? (silence) yeah, you’re right, i’m confused about that. but the point is… i think it’s sort of passive aggressive. ‘you are flawed. your flaws are many. sometimes your flaws make it impossible to find me. but i want to be found. why can’t you see me?’ we didn’t give ourselves our flaws. you did, the world did, and maybe we did, some, but… we are struggling with them, too. so we’ve got these flaws to deal with, and you’re out there somewhere being perfect, saying, ‘drop those flaws and follow me.’ but we can’t. our flaws are always there. except who’s to say that they are flaws? i mean, all of them. i mean, i’ve spent a long time getting used to the fact that i have flaws, and kind of sort of loving them. as part of my humanness. which is unavoidable. and kind of beautiful. and here you come back again telling me i am somehow perfectable. but why am i not perfect yet? why why why why why why why? why can’t i just say, ‘okay, this is what i’ve got. this is who i am. it’s not everything but it’s what i have.’ why is our ability to survive and try to be better not enough? and why are they so hard?”

when i was small, i was told that i was everything my parents could have wanted in a kid… and more! somehow, somewhere in this, i decided that maybe i was the second coming. seriously. i don’t know when i gave up that idea, but i do know that at 15, i went crying to my mom, telling her that i had to confess, i wasn’t perfect, i’ve never been perfect, and i can never be perfect, and i was sorry that i had led her to believe that, but it was a lie.

this christmas, nothing went right. and nothing felt right. all of the traditions were gone, my mom was really sick, my grandparents eyed my warily. did i smash what we used to have with my transness? this is related because this argument at god happened just after i got home from “home.” my struggle with perfection was suddenly big again, because my family had fallen apart, and i was somehow responsible… from out here in california.

i keep scrambling about inside myself, tearing down any sort of spiritual hope, screaming about my imperfection, and getting a little crazy with rituals, hoping that they will somehow fix me. i know that this is the wrong way to go about it. i know it. but i go up on my tiptoes before my idea of god, saying, “fix me fix me fix me fix me” so loud that i can’t listen to any way i might be fixed. to listen to any way that i might stop needing to be fixed. to listen to that voice that i heard before i left, the one that said, “rest. i am here. be still and know that i am.”

Published in: on 9 February, 2007 at 11:43 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. 1.

    *hugs you a lot*

    That God character…ze’s a tricky one sometimes!

    Comment by peaceofpie — February 9, 2007 @ 3:43 pm

    The past two family holidays have been a little difficult since my little sister transitioned, but things are getting a lot better… I know everyone’s situation is different but I thought I’d share.

    Comment by Zach A — February 19, 2007 @ 5:15 pm

  2. At an Episcopal church service I went to once, the only one I’ve been to here in SF actually, Alan Jones said God didn’t want a mirror image but a companion.

    (Disclaimer: that is a little more creationistic than I go for, but I thought it might apply depending on your own definition of God).

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