so… i’ve been thinking about why i haven’t posted much here lately, and was going to do a short post about that and how i was enjoying the conversations around me and trying to spend more time listening to them, because i haven’t been doing much quaker blogging, either in reading or writing… and then i read craig’s post, and started to comment, but i realized it was more about me than about the post, so i deleted it there and posted it here…

christianity is such a tricky thing to talk about because of all the hurt that people have around it… and so they get all bitter and grouchy about it, and it really in a lot of ways makes sense. and so i’m always asking myself, “is it better to try and be a witness to it… or to figure out how to scrap it altogether and find something more universal… or something?” i have a really hard time expressing things that i feel really strongly about, because i’m afraid of being judged, or that my own way of presenting something will turn everybody off of it… and since i’m always questioning myself so much, a conversation with someone who i originally disagreed with can get me so confused, and i can’t figure out who is right or what i actually think… point being: i think i want to more actively label myself as christian, to witness to that, but… i need to be more centered so that that windiness of people doesn’t blow me all over the place… (of course then there’s the question of how long would i wait, and would i accidentally wait forever… if i am just a windblown sort of person… but i’m doing a lot of work on codependency lately, and that seems to be something that might come from that and that i can work on, and wow it would be nice to stand firm about my truths rather than saying “i guess you might be right…” i’d like to learn to listen rather than drinking in what people have to say like it was the truth i’d been missing all along.)

i’m still having a difficult time entirely figuring out what i believe about god. it’s so easy to get stuck in what i used to believe about god or what i’m “supposed to” believe about god, and i forget to really listen. but i’m working on it.

… honestly part of what has kept me away from this blog has been some self-consciousness. this blog is so self-y and also so… shallow. not that i am shallow, but that my understanding of quakerism is not deep– it is not seasoned in the ways that i’ve seen other blogs be… and so i have become a little nervous about putting it out there. somehow my “everybody’s been there” bravado, has paled beside a new sort of shyness. seeing blog posts that are like “BIG ISSUE IN THE WORLD + QUAKERISM + me” makes me feel embarassed about my posts that are “BIG ISSUE ABOUT ME! + quakerism? + some more me!!!” but… if i am honest, i know that… that’s what i know. and maybe i will know more, but i can’t claim what isn’t mine.

Published in: on 13 April, 2007 at 12:32 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. 1.

    Hi, Cubbie,
    I think I understand what you mean about blog posts that are shallow because of not being a very seasoned Friend yet–I just deleted all the essays I posted on the original Quaker Pagan website, and redirected the URL to the blog, because those essays were all written in the first few months of my becoming a Quaker, and were not seasoned at all! As static content (as opposed to a blog) they seemed to be saying that they spoke for what I understood still, and, well, no, they didn’t, in the sense that I now try to write from a very different place.

    However, I’m sure I’m still getting a lot wrong on the blog. The difference is that a blog reflects a process (I think) as a journal does, and so, as long as we strive to be honest and to “stay close to the root” in Quakerese, we can at least give a good sense of our journeys, even if we don’t yet know our destinations. I think that sharing journeys is actually very helpful; I know I find your journey helpful to read, in part because it has a vulnerability that a more seasoned Friend’s comments might not. And, you know, I think that vulnerability is part of what we bring to worship when we’re really listening for God (as opposed to our own ideas of God).

    There’s a Truth in the questioning that can be obscured by answers. And even though there are plenty of seasoned Friends who have touched me in important ways through their writing–Lizz Opp’s The Good Raised Up, Will T’s Growing Together in the Light, and Robin M’s What Canst Thou Say all come to mind–there are ways that _your_ blog speaks to me that their can’t.

    Please keep sharing your journey. It really is precious to those of us who get to share it via your words.

    Comment by Cat Chapin-Bishop — April 14, 2007 @ 9:53 am

    thank you. the reason that i’m doing this blog is for these very reasons– because i know that the journey is worth seeing because we’ve all been there. but there are times when blogging about myself just seems so silly. “who really wants to read it?” part of me asks. and so it’s good to know that there are people who do want to read it.

    Comment by cublet — April 18, 2007 @ 9:02 am

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