our goal should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole

my therapist said, “you were unpopular growing up, of course you like having such an accepting spiritual community.”

this was in february or something. it sticks with me in the paranoid moments. she didn’t exactly phrase it that way, like, “i know this fact about you that i’m going to bring up as you are telling me a joy,” which is what it looks like. we were just talking about this or that, and then she brought up that or this.

if god is love is community, and i want community because i was lonely once, where does that leave god?

but not always. because it’s not always that simple.

i finished the rob bell book, and in fact it did get all “marriage is between one man and one woman.” it never got “and so not two men or two women or 5 people of various genders and definitely no intersex people or trannies.” but it seemed strongly implied.

and sometimes his descriptions of love and holiness were so Good and right on and just right, and so i want to scream at his smug way of sliding past me and slamming the door.

because no matter who i become, what i look like, how much i pass, who i’m with, i’m still queer, and i think of that as a blessing. i like that part of me. in the same way that i like the weird ways my middle fingers bend away from each other and the color of my eyes and my musical taste. it’s how i fit here. and i’m not about who i sleep with or how i identify, but it’s still there.

dear rob bell, how is it that the way that i love less holy because i can’t make babies?

dear god, and why is it that i can’t make babies?

i saw juno on christmas night. i went to the swedenborgian church and st. gregory’s episcopalian on christmas eve night, and then i went to the quaker meeting and the potluck after that and then i went home and i sat down on my bed, and then i remembered i’d wanted to see juno at some point and so why not now. the secret is that as i was sitting at meeting, i was getting some mean menstrual cramps because i’ve been taking progesterone this week to get some stuff out of my system that’s been building up for the past year. so going to a movie about a pregnant teenager on christmas while i was bleeding was surreal on a whole lot of levels. i’ve got a bad case of baby fever, and the film didn’t help.

there was a point to this other than some sort of weird “this is what a tranny’s life is like sometimes” moment, but it’s true. sometimes, you feel weird and unnatural because you are putting the hormones that your body would naturally be producing in your body instead of the ones that feel much more right. and you ask yourself a lot of questions about that, especially if you’re me. but i’ve had this minor crazy feeling this past week. all unsettled and off and crazy. and it’s reaffirmed my trans identity, even though there’s a part of me that is viewing it as ridiculous. how is it that i only feel at home here (here=in my body) when it’s got this stuff in it that my body does not make (or makes in lower doses?). i don’t know. but that is the state of things right now.

charles gave me a photocopying task this week. he knew that i wasn’t working at the school and so he offered to pay me for photocopying this beautiful old book of edward burroughs’ works. it was published in 1660something (i think 1662) and has all those beautiful elements– multi-sized fonts, the long s that looks like an f, the slight indentations from the printing. and misnumbering like crazy. 346, 347, 843, 349…. 561, 572, 573, 564, 565… etc. but it always eventually sorted itself out and the numbering was correct again. is there a metaphor in this?

i did not do the photocopying in quaker silence. i broke out my ipod (someone abandoned a charger cord at my house just before i moved in and we’ve officially declared it unclaimed, so when i have access to a computer, i can charge mine!), and listened to some of my favorite things that i haven’t heard in ages. kimya dawson, the mountain goats, christina aguilera’s back to basics, the idlewild soundtrack, le tigre’s “keep on livin'”! and i danced! and i turned the pages, gently pressing them down against the glass as i bobbed my head and kicked my feet, and i thought about joy and life and love and how much i like liking myself. how much i like “keep on living” because it reminds you that you are worth something, even when you don’t need to be reminded. how much i like the mountain goats because they are always so sad and yet there is something hopeful there. how much i like kimya, because her music and her life are these giant inspirations because she’s been through shit and she’s still here and she wants to give people what she’s learned because it’s important. because the world is beautiful and we have to remember that.

and then i got home and i looked at my livejournal, and there was an entry from kimya about hitting 9 years of sobriety. and i thought about how hard it is to live, to not self-destruct sometimes, and how grateful i am to not be there right now. and if god is love is community and that is how we survive and how we thrive, what more is there? what more can there be but the things that make us remember why we are alive? except then it got so so so sad because someone she knew died and and and… that is part of life too. part of living and loving life and getting through it and pushing past the self-destruction is learning and relearning and relearning that there are people that will stay there and eventually they will leave and it’s not your fault and it hurts.

and where does self-help end and religion start? of course it is god, but when god is love is community BUT also those moments of deep deep aloneness that is not aloneness that is indescribable but is part of yourself… what is it? what is it what is it what is it?

this past week’s on faith question is about hr 847, the house resolution about christmas. i read starhawk’s response today and found it to be a very loving but challenging answer, going into what christmas is and what it means and how our current politics reflect that meaning… or don’t. the comments were also interesting, too.

that’s all. good night.

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Published in: on 30 December, 2007 at 12:35 am  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. kari cried at juno because she was mostly jennifer garner. i don’t know who i am in that movie really, but damn if i’m not all about the babies.

  2. If it makes you feel better, a lot of people can’t make babies. And a lot of people who can don’t want to. And a lot of people who can’t, do want to.

    I don’t know where I fall yet (due to not being at that stage yet) but everyone has the right to be a loved baby and is capable of loving babies. That is what is most important, and being an adoptee growing into adulthood and contemplating the future kind of family I want forces me to ask a lot of these questions. I feel very strongly that I want to adopt children one day, regardless of what my body can or cannot do. And then I respect everyone’s right to create the kind of family they want, if that does mean biological kids.

    Also, I have a lot of ideas about hormones and wholistic health and the state of the world that we can talk about sometime. A lot of us are putting hormones into our bodies unconsciously due to chemicals in plastics we use. I personally believe queer people are the evidence of the world trying to restore some kind of balance to itself.

  3. puck– oh kari. :-/

    allison– i know. there are so many people who can’t have babies for so many reasons. and i’m mostly ideologically against having babies right now in the world because it’s in such bad shape. but something weird and biological is going on right now, where i really want to be part of the making of a baby, and while the parts of me that know things intellectually can accept all that, this part of me is wigging out and having a mini gender crisis. especially because in that book there was a lot about love being about baby-making. which i don’t believe, but which i get stuck on sometimes. i think what’s going on is that i’m slamming into some weird old ghosts of old beliefs about god and about gender. and they aren’t “real” but they’re being loud.

    i’m kind of troubled, actually, about the idea of queers balancing something out… because it kind of implies that we are some sort of anomaly that only exists because the world is in bad shape. which feels yucky. and it’s probably not what you mean. but it kind of sounds like if we got hormones back under control, queers would magically stop existing, and the world would be right again. which might be a conversation to have in person rather than here, due to lack of tone of voice and everything. i respect what you’re saying and i think i know what you mean, but it still troubles me.

  4. Hi Cubbie,

    I appreciate your calling me out on a tone which I wasn’t aware of, I’m learning. You mentioned just now the danger of dichotomy, and I forget that not everyone is in Allisonland ie my head, and I need to back up my comments with more context. I believe in the universal consciousness a la Carl Jung, which means EVERYONE is part of the big balancing act. Queers, Republicans, pro-gunners, babies, celebrities, Asian people, EVERYONE. So it’s not so much a dichotomy as a big ball of different groups coming together, the big puzzle that can’t be missing any piece. I was mixing that philosophy up with the hormone thing, which was more dichotomous (perhaps because there are feminine/masculine hormones) and I don’t know myself what I’m trying to say now except that balance is a good thing and that it’s NOT queers exist in order to balance out the straight but that everyone has a part of the puzzle. I DON’T want it sound like how some people say women were created just to keep men company, or that people of color exist to make the world prettier for white people, because that is patronizing as hell and pisses me off so I can see why you saw my statement like that and got troubled. Anyway, I hope that clarifies my real intention.


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