looking through a stripped copy of the fall issue of bitch magazine. there’s a review of danya ruttenberg’s surprised by god: how i learned to stop worrying and love religion. i skimmed the review and put the book on hold at the library. the bit that really got me was “On the other hand, she learns that religion is– and by definition, must be–a communal endeavor.”

i haven’t been to the meetinghouse since thanksgiving day. i like going there for holidays a lot. it was a pretty silent meeting, but the food sharing was convivial and i love that part. i love that feeling of being surrounded by caring people, without the “typical” holiday stress stuff.

and i haven’t been back since. that’s only 2 sundays, but maybe that’s my biggest streak ever. i’ve been busy, and last weekend an unexpected (and ultimately somewhat wretched) out of town trip happened… is that why i feel so disconnected from… something?

i’ve been feeling a little disconnected from the meeting lately, which is unfortunate. i’ve moved across the bay, i’ve gotten a job that, while wonderful, makes it hard to stick around for evening meetinghouse events. there are plenty of reasons that are completely… reasonable. and then there’s the way that i’m not really the baby anymore and i don’t have the drama anymore, so i don’t “need” aspects of the meeting in the same way that i used to. it’s really easy to be a flake right now.

i feel like it’s become “too easy,” maybe, but i’m also “too busy” to do more. even in my personal life, my prayers have become short and breathy. but in other ways, i feel very steady.

“She dismisses the contemporary American practice of assembling a personal faith from bits and pieces of many religions as a symptom of endemic consumerism. Religion, she argues, is not a form of self-help or self-actualization. For her, it is service. It is submission of the self to a larger reality of purpose.”

i’ve started questioning what is missing, and if it’s actually missing or just deep. i think i need to be doing more work than i am, but i don’t know what that work is, or how exactly to do it. and i both want more help from quakers and i don’t feel quite ready to commit to doing anything different than what i’m doing. don’t you hate when that happens?

Published in: on 12 December, 2008 at 8:48 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hey, cubbie–

    I’ve been thinking of similar questions, mostly wondering why more Friends didn’t show up at a recent memorial meeting for worship.

    I should think that most regular worshipers at Quaker meeting have gone through what you’re going through–

    Errr, let me back up a bit:

    I know that I, for one, have gone through what you’re going through!

    There are times when I have a kind of “Quakerly blues” feeling, like I want to go to meeting–or more precisely, I want to want to go, but I just don’t have it in me. And then I worry when it gets to be two or three weeks in a row, or only intermittently.

    And even if I feel “bleah “about it, at least I care that I don’t care.

    It sounds like you’re on a plateau in your connection with Friends. If you can maintain that connection, even if only at a low-but-consistent level, my guess is there’ll be another peak that will come along.

    Liz Opp, The Good Raised Up

  2. Hey cubster,

    Sorry we haven’t been able to have a card-aganza, seems like life’s been crazy for the both of us, but I’m back from Texas and ready to glue!

  3. Well, we were glad to see you this week. I like the snow too.


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