in your head in your head they are fighting.

this

plus

this

equaled me saying this:

“i think the thing that is breaking my heart in this is so many of the people who are screaming vitriol also claim to be on the healer’s side… claim to be his spokespeople… and in so doing, drive so many people away. it reminds me of this time i saw graffiti that said “fags hate god,” in, i’m assuming, a response to all the “god hates fags” stuff… and my response was, “of course. that is the logical response. and it is very very sad.””

cat and her friend, sarah, and i have started praying for each other or holding each other in the light… or something vaguely worded but powerful… as stressed out, burning out, caring teachers. i’ve needed it immensely these past two weeks.

my class is very violent. not… physically, really. but in the way that this world is very violent, and i’ve got a lot of sensitive frustrated students who live in a town where violence is how you solve things. where you need to get sponsorship from coca-cola or chevron to get enough money to sponsor a project for your class. where i’ve lost the line between cultural loudness and the loudness to be heard when you go home alone or to a too crowded house and every single person you know needs way more than they get. i am disappointed in myself frequently because sometimes i shout back and what kind of quaker shouts back at children.

kid: “if you go to church, why do you yell at children?”
me: “why are you yelling that question at me?”
kid: “I’M NOT YE–…”

it feels bad. 17 angry students and 1 tired teacher feels bad.

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Yes, yes, exactly.

    But do remember to be forgiving with yourself when you are shouting. You’re shouting because you’re showing up, and because it really is this hard. But you’re not shouting all the time, and it will get easier as you get stronger… and spiritual growth is not what is happening when we’re sitting back feeling all spiritual and serene.

    It’s what is happening when we are wrestling, full out, with the part of us that wants to shout (or give up) and the part of us that showed up in the first place.

    (I think the truth is, real faithfulness is so much harder than it looks in movies or old-timey Quaker journals!)

    And thank you for holding me in the Light–I can’t tell you how much it helps.

  2. Thank you for this. It’s beautiful in its honesty. I admire what you do, and I don’t just mean “teach.” What a blessing to have friends to hold and to be held by in the light.


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