the end of the year has been fairly angsty for me. planning to have, anticipating having, and actually having our baby has been wonderful, of course, but it really ramped up my anxiety. for months, i felt like i was on the verge of a panic attack. i was freaking out and not being particularly nice to myself about it, either.
i felt a little bitter and grouchy about my feeling of distance from the meeting. it was this weird cycle of pushing myself away, feeling abandoned, and barely coming back, and being annoyed at people for letting it happen. you know, generally being codependent.
finally, i reached out to m&o, and at the same time, the meal train a friend of ours was setting up for the early baby time was rolling out, and letting myself ask for help started to help things.
but the panics still kept coming from time to time. and these codependent angries at everyone i care about kept coming up. i was also commenting a lot on facebook about the wonderful effects of god in my life (ex: “the following comment is not meant to try to convince you to agree with me: for me, my belief in god is not about god’s existence. at some point, i decided that was irrelevant. what i’ve read about the history of religion suggests that there was a time where in certain cultures, there was no idea that god didn’t exist, and that is what the bible came out of, and so questions of “do you believe in me?” were about the kind of belief you have in a friend. “can you trust me?” i was in a rough place then, and i decided, “well, i’m not sure who or what or if you are, but i’ll try that. i’ll try seeing if i can trust in you, who i acknowledge are probably an idea in my head…” and just having this big god-thing in the universe to be grateful to, to vent to, and to hope to, has made my life better. and its existence is irrelevant, to me, actually. but i believe i can trust it. and for me, god is as much a provable thing as the part of t’s smile that ALWAYS makes my heart dance.”) but god was feeling really distant, too.
even as i was filled with sense-memories of all sorts of really ineffective coping mechanisms, my body and brain and soul and heart were searching for things that actually did work, trying to find time to sit with prayers and practices that have worked. but my head was too spinny…
but then, the other day, i struck upon gratitude. “thank you god, universe, whomever, for t and c and secret and the sky and the ground that holds me and my family and my ten fingers and the lessons of this panic…” and it helps. i need to remember it. because it helps. it really helps.