so, since that was so scary to share…

i’ll share something scarier.

but first i want to talk about that last one for a second. i’m nervous about the raskalnikovian theological implications of what i said. but the idea of anyone vs. no one being a christ, i think, just means to me that anyone vs. no one can hear/listen to god in the same deep way that jesus could.

but! now that i have convinced you (i probably haven’t) that my last potentially controversial/theologically unsound idea is actually pretty much the same thing as what quakers believe… i’ve got a new, scarier thing.

this is an email that i wrote right after november 5th’s meeting. it was an amazing meeting in ways that are still too gigantic to put into words, but at some point i felt that i was called to speak. as i was about to stand up, the clerk clasped the hand of the person next to him, and… meeting was over. i was in a total daze as i tried to interact with people after that, but i started singing when i left the meetinghouse. i sat outside for awhile, and then went home and emailed another person who had ministered with what i’d felt called to say. it’s interesting, because i’m still kind of overwhelmed and frightened about the idea that i could be called to say something, and i’m not sure if i’ll ever totally trust it, so i drowned my email in “i think”s. but i’m not sure i think all this. it feels bigger than i am usually capable of thinking? maybe. see, then, i’m like, “maybe you just think it’s a revelation because you think you are so special.” i don’t know. i don’t think i think i am so special… i could go on like this for a long time, and this was all meant to be a short preface to the email. which is here:

“i think that the kingdom would be when we were all called out of
ourselves to our higher selves. i think the problem so often is that
we still have our egos. i think that jesus is true, but not the only
way of truth. when he is seen as the only truth, he becomes like an
idol, because we are still grasping onto our selves rather than
truth– and that idolization brings war?”

i called the person the following wednesday, because i was suddenly afraid that maybe it had been seen as a criticism of what he had said. but he didn’t take it that way, and i told him that i thought maybe i was supposed to say it at meeting, but… and i went on a typical self-doubting ramble, and he said, “i think it’s real… whatever it was, i think it was real.” i can’t actually remember his exact words, but they gave me a lot of comfort.

Published in: on 16 November, 2006 at 7:47 am  Leave a Comment