one of those times, again, where going to quaker meeting is such an event. i’ve been contemplating finding a meeting or church closer to home, but haven’t been able to even work up the energy for that.
the thing is: it’s the long, sustained attendance at meeting is what really makes me feel centered, but going to meeting is a 4 hour commitment, at the least, and it’s really hard to make myself do that right now.
and i’ve been feeling a little nutty, so i feel like i really need to go to meeting. but unfortunately, frequently, by the time my one-shot meeting attendance is done, i feel more nutty, because my day feels almost over and my work week feels so close.
i’ve been thinking about church as opposed to quaker meeting a little bit, too, because my head is a wild and frazzled place, and i barely get past the wild and frazzled in the hour of worship. having someone do the spiritual thinking for me sometimes works to get me out of my head long enough to hear god.
i HAVE been trying to up my home spiritual practice a little bit, though, but what that amounts to right now is just trying to remember the serenity prayer when my head and heart get too wild and frazzled.
quakerism changed my life. and i’m not currently convinced i’m living up to that. i feel disappointed in myself right now, in my ability or drive to take care of my spiritual needs right now. and then, of course, i know that judging myself is not actually all that helpful, of course.
my dream still is of a community of quakers and a quaker meeting, just down the street. i hate that i even have a choice to just drift away from meeting like this, from time to time. i hate that it takes forever to get to meeting so i don’t, and that that is understandable and acceptable. (i would probably hate it, too, if it wasn’t understandable or acceptable.)